Loving Carol
by xercesawake
Summary: Based on The Price of Salt novel. Set a couple of years before Carol meets Therese. Carol and Abby have been together off and on for years. Now that Carol has a daughter, things are much more complicated. She must decide between her desire for Abby and her responsibility to her family.


**SET A COUPLE OF YEARS BEFORE CAROL MEETS THERESE**

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 ** _Loving Carol_**

It was snowing steadily outside in the evening New York air. Carol's hands clutched a small glass of Scotch as she sat in Abby's kitchen.

'Please say something' the brunette pleaded, holding a cigarette nervously and exhaling a cloud of smoke.

'We can't keep doing this' Carol answered, her voice finally breaking the silence that hung so heavily over the two of them.

Abby closed her eyes. This was not the first time Carol had said this. She would always get scared when they were together again. She knew it was complicated for her. She has a child to think about this time around. It had been two long years before Carol gave in to her again. They had not been intimate with each other since before she was pregnant with Rindy.

'I know you're afraid, but we can make this work, we can-' Abby implored.

Carol looked at her, her dark mascara running and her nose turning a shade of red.

'Don't say that' she said pessimistically, lighting a cigarette and inhaling the smoke.

'I would do whatever it takes to be with you' Abby said, hoping Carol could hear in her voice how much she meant it.

She has never known anyone like Carol. Ever since they met, she knew she was ruined for everyone else. Knowing that this woman wanted to be with her made her days that much more bearable. She knows that the same is true for Carol but so much more stands in her way.

'I think Harge is getting suspicious... I... I can't risk him finding out' she wiped her eyes and took another long drag of her cigarette, her lipstick fading as she emptied her glass of scotch.

'I have to try to be the wife and the mother my family deserves'

'What about you're happiness? You can't tell me that you haven't been happy with me. Every morning, after Harge left for work, you were in my bed'

'It's not about what makes me happy anymore'

'I'm sorry, Abby' Carol said dejectedly.

It had gotten late and they both had drank a lot more than they intended to. Carol felt distant from herself. She was thoroughly drunk, much more so than Abby. She looked at her friend and her eyes scanned her features. She found herself staring at her lips and she wanted more than anything to feel them against hers.

She knew if she didn't leave soon, she would end up doing something she shouldn't. She stood up and went to gather her coat and purse. She stumbled on her heels, her legs not working quite as well as she had expected.

'Carol, I really think you should stay here tonight. You're too drunk.' Abby said, catching her as she stumbled toward her.

'no, no I'm fine, I really need to get back home' Carol slurred, ' the weather is getting bad'.

Abby shook her head and lead her toward her couch in her living room.

'I can't stay here' she whispered, her big blue eyes looking up at her with a sadness she could not bear to see.

'Relax, you can sleep in one of my spare bedrooms' Abby responded, trying dismiss the twinge of desire and guilt that licked through her.

'Sit here, I'll be right back okay?'

'Fine' Carol said lazily.

Abby walked back to her kitchen and grabbed her phone. She called Carols house and explained innocently that she had a bit too much to drink tonight.

'Why is she drinking so much?'

'We just got a little carried away. I'll have her back to you by the morning'

Abby went back to the living room, her head suddenly feeling the weight of her own drunkenness.

'I called Harge, you're staying over' Abby told her.

Carol frowned but nodded. She closed her eyes and sighed, her tears were already threatening her again. She wiped them away and looked up at her friend. The look in her eyes made Abby's heart ache. She knew that look. She knew it all too well.

'Don't look at me like that' Abby said, turning away from her.

'Like what?' her eyes widening in genuine surprise. She had not realized her emotions were so transparent.

'You know what I mean" the woman crossed her arms. Carol said she did not want to do this anymore but that look said she wanted to one more time. She was not about to give in to her again. She knew one look was all it took.

'I- I'm sorry… This is not easy for me either, Abby' she sighed as she rubbed her temples, trying to ease her headache.

They were silent for a moment. The snow had caked onto the streets, leaving a thick layer of snow on top of everything outside. No one would be driving on these roads.

'I want to be with you. I hope you know that' Carol whispered.

'Do you remember breaking up with me earlier?' Abby asked halfheartedly.

Carol smiled, defeated and drunk. She wrapped her arms around Abby, holding her tight and feeling her relax against her. She could feel her anger melt from her shoulders.

'I want to be the woman I should be but the woman that I am… you're the only person I've ever felt this way about… Even Harge, I never wanted him like I want you' she smirked, looking into her best friends eyes and smoothing her hair away from her face.

'What other women feel this way? Do they do what we do together?' her voice low and thick with tears.

'They have to hide, just like us' Abby answered.

She laid her head on her shoulder, sighing and taking in the feeling of Carol against her. She could see the pulse of the artery in her neck and she could smell the sweet floral perfume warm on her skin.

She was always impossible, to everyone around her, even her husband. There was always a barrier. Abby was the only one to glimpse the real woman. Carol is beautiful but her soul is dark and full of shame and sadness. There was so much she had to hide, so much that made her happy.

As if by muscle memory, without thought, Carol ran her fingers through Abby's thick hair and kissed her. She tasted the scotch and smoke on her breath and sighed in pleasure.

'Please, don't' Abby pulled away breathlessly, a look of desperation in her eyes.

She ignored her, pulling her in again and sliding her tongue into her mouth, kissing her deeply. They could hardly breathe. Carol had wanted to stay true to her word, she really did want to give life with Harge another chance but once they started, they never stopped. She didn't want to. Nothing compared to these moments with Abby. The quiet desperate moments when they get to be together like this.

'You feel so good' Abby said softly, nuzzling into her neck.

She knew this was a bad idea, she knew it would only end up hurting her more if she didn't stop now but her hands had a mind of their own. She clutched the material of Carols dress, pulling her even closer as she nipped at her neck.

Before Abby, Carol did not realize she had these desires inside of her. They had discovered so much together that it would always be hard to resist this. She had only been with Abby. She could not deny that there was something wrong with her. She liked women and in a way that is immoral and illegal. She hated it but she knew it was against her control.

Abby bit down on her shoulder and it made her tremble. Her hands were shaking as she began to fumble with Abby's blouse, pulling it from its neatly tucked waist and touching the warm pale skin beneath. Her hands were soft but aggressive. She caressed her full breasts and kissed her again. She never wanted to stop doing this. She could cry to think that she must.

Carol looked into her eyes and then at her swollen rosy lips. All she could think about was how good Abby felt and how much she would miss this. In moments like this she was in such a state that she considered leaving Harge, and bringing Rindy here to raise with Abby. She had to push foolish dreams out of her mind. Such a thing would never be possible.

They used to sneak around before her daughter was born. After that, Carol wanted to be faithful and give her daughter a chance at a normal life. She loved her child but her passionless and distant marriage to Harge was suffocating her. She found that the only way to bear any of it anymore was to stay moderately drunk throughout the day. She hated that the only light in her life that was not her daughters, were in these moments with Abby. She did not want to go back to that darkness.

Abby unbuttoned Carols blouse, revealing her breasts encased in a creamy white bra.

'You're so beautiful' Abby whispered, her fingertips grazing the hot skin of her belly.

She grabbed at the material of her dress, bunching it up around her waist, exposing her long pale legs and her matching underwear. The brunette was already slipping her fingers past the waistband. Carol held her head between her hands, looking deeply into her eyes, witnessing the love that poured from her.

'Abby' Carol moaned, shame and need lacing her voice.

The brunettes fingers were methodical and gentle as they pressed against her. She slowly slid them inside of her and reveled in the hot muscles that welcomed her in. The sound Carol made when she was all the way inside of her was the most beautiful sound in the world.

They looked intensely into each other's eyes. Carols eyes drifted closed and her mouth hung open in awe. Abby knew exactly where to touch her and how to pull sounds from her she didn't even know she could make.

Carol made small whimpering sounds as she kissed her. She loves these moments, loves this softness and sweetness of their touch. It's wrong but she's never felt more alive. She and Abby aren't like other women, they never will be.

The pleasure was building inside of her, she could feel it burning in her core.

Abby's voice trembled as she groaned her name. She could feel how close Carol was and she wanted more than anything to force her over that precipice.

Her entire body was taut and suddenly every muscle in her body relaxed and she shivered violently. Her voice cried out as it continued to weaken every muscle in her body.

Carol laid back, staring up at the ceiling, trying to gather her breath. She continued to whimper as her body recovered.

Abbys heart was racing and her entire body thrumming. The blonde pulled her onto the sofa. Carol was hurried, desperate in the same way Abby was for her. They kissed and Carol reached under her skirt and smiled as she slowly pulled her panties down her long legs.

Carol pushed her skirt around her middle, just like Abby had just done to her. She kissed her exposed skin, her hip bones and her inner thighs. She watched helplessly as bright blue eyes stared up at her.

'I love kissing you here' Carol whispered, stroking her and teasing her. She kissed her sweetly before opening her mouth and taking what she wanted.

The pleasure of her between her legs was indescribable. She was eager and precise. Carol had learned from Abby that women make love this way but she had perfected the art of it.

She didn't hold back, she reveled in the experience of it. There were mornings when Abby did nothing but lie back on the bed and let Carol have her way with her. She remembered thinking _this is what it is to be alive. This is what it feels like to be in love._

Abby squirmed and bit her lower lip hard. She ran her fingers through her hair and encouraged her to continue. Carol groaned and held her thighs. It was too much, looking down at the blonde and holding back tears of pleasure, she screamed when her muscles were finally released and her hips convulsed against her.

She laid there breathless, trying not to pass out from the intensity of her orgasm. Carol continued to kiss her trembling body, gently guiding her down from the heavens back to earth. They laid there, holding one another until their hearts had calmed.

Abby got up, reality washing over her now that she was no longer delirious with desire. This would have to be the last time they do this.

'I'm going to go to bed' the brunette said as she picked up her underwear and her blouse off the floor. She was close to tears; she did not want Carol to see her cry.

'Abby' she said as she sat up.

'I'm sorry'.

Abby knew this would have to stop but she did not want it to. She was in love with her. She had always been. She wanted to be selfish but she knew it would get her nowhere.

'Me too'

The next morning, Carol would leave before Abby woke. They would not see each other for a month after that. It took her a long time to come to terms with it but Abby wanted more than anything just to be in Carol's life. Even if it meant she must endure the impossible pain of being in love with someone that she can't have.

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 _reviews are welcome and greatly appreciated._


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